Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
