If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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