Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
