a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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