i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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