I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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