I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
