It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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