All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
