Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize