tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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