Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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