I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize