News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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