everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
