he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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