Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
