My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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