vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize