I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
