I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize