I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
