Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
