there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
