My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I could make wine with my vomit
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
