When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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