My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
