I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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