Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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