im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
