Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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