my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
