I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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