bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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