Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
