Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
