I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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