3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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