I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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