I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize