if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
