hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Randomize
