Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
