at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
