I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
