my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
