I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
