Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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