No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
