Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
All I want is dick and wine.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
