Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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