I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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