Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
