she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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