she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
