I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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