I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
